Be a Winner at Business™ with

Employee reward programs have become a necessary part of doing business these days. They’re not only an important part of keeping good talent working on your business, but a great way to foster a healthy, happy and PRODUCTIVE workplace.

I’ve done a substantial amount of research on the topic, and have discovered a couple of keys to the overall success of any rewards program. I thought fellow and aspiring Winners at Business™ might enjoy the many fruits of my labor, as well as my invaluable insight.

A retention plan should achieve two primary goals:

1) A reward program should motivate. This one is pretty easy. We all want our employees to do their best work under your tutilage. A successful rewards program should accomplish this in spades.

2) It should be shockingly cheap to implement. No one’s boss wants to hear that they’re going to have to spend any money, ever, on anything. So an important step in getting such a program sold through as it moves up the chain of command, is keeping costs so low that it seems like you will have to do something illegal to get what you need.

Seems impossible right? Well, if it’s impossible, tell me how I just implemented an incredibly successful rewards program that has not only increased employee productivity by 63%, but only costs me 35 cents a week!

I did it with a program I call The Sticker Initiative™

Whenever an employee hands in expense ratio reports on time. They get a sticker.

Whenever Jane reports back to me with better than average quarterly numbers. TWO STICKERS.

Even when the cleaning workers finish vacuuming my office (after I inspect their work) at 11 oclock at night, i’m right there with a sticker.

Stickers can do it all. Not only are stickers, cheap, but they are so universally loved that it doesn’t even matter what is on the sticker. I gave the elderly janitorial services lady a Toronto Argonauts sticker and she was beside herself. I gave Sally my temp secretary an address label with a handrawn unicorn on it. I gave Bradley a dusty sticker from MegaMix 94.1FM, and he was happier than I’ve seen him in 13 years.

You simply will not find a better, cheaper rewards program than my The Sticker Initiative™. But rest assured, if somehow you find a way do the impossible, you’ll get a great sticker of Phylicia Rashād when you do.

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Animals are cute. This is scientific fact. And it’s the major reason that the phenomenon of “Bring your pets to work Day” has become so popular in the past decade. But sadly, it’s turned into a cute-fest that does little for anyone’s reputation at work, especially if the only animal you own is a hedgehog named Sally Pumpkinpants.

That’s why the next time the pet day comes around, you need to bring your “pet coyote Hank”. It’s an ideal moment to let the office know that you are not only a beastmaster at work, but the intensity doesn’t stop once you get home.

Not only can you tame any business issue, but you can even tame an animal that is illegal for people in 49 states to keep as a pet. (Note: strategy less effective in Alaska.)

I’m sure some questions might be coming to mind: Where can I get a coyote? And more so, where can I get some affordable obedience training for coyote’s?

Here’s the trick. Don’t worry about all that stuff. Just concentrate on mastering the walk from your car, to the office, because there is no way that Chad, the office services guy, will let you in the building because of “liabilities”.

He won’t want to take the chance that a particularly slow-walking employee could get mauled on pet day–of all days–and risk a lawsuit. In turn, they won’t let you step one foot in that office. Fortunately for you and your reputation, the impression will have been made. Soon the news that you not only have a pet coyote, but you’ve named him Hank and you have such a good relationship with him that you thought it safe to bring him to work.

The fact that it never crossed your mind that coyotes are wild animals and have been known to maul humans will tell the entire office that you operate on a level of power and delusion that only dangerous animal trainers achieve after a lifetime of training.

Now all you have to do is to find some way to return the coyote to it’s owner without being eaten.

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I’ve been getting a lot of e-mail asking if I knew a more acceptable manner in which to verbally abuse your co-workers. It’s a topic i’ve done extensive thinking on. In today’s post, I’d like to address some of my findings.

While yelling is a highly effective action when it comes to create that climate of fear (of you) that is ideal for personal business success, sadly, a stigma has gotten attached to it. The manager or boss who uses verbal abuse to get his or her employees to do what they need to do, does it for one reason–because it works.

There are a couple of things about yelling as a form of motivation that stand out for me.

1) It’s been proven time and again that employees need constant encouragement and micro-managing to make sure they stay on task–and there is nothing better than a good yelling to keep them producing. And let’s not forget that–love it or hate it–nothing says “successful businessman” like wearing a suit, and yelling at another person.

2) Yelling is an oft-used tool for businessmen, and to take it off the table, puts all business leaders in a compromised position at the very least. You can’t very well just ask an employee to “hurry it up a bit” and expect to get any sort of traction.

So today, I’d like to offer an alternative strategy for yelling at your co-workers. A way to get your direct reports and co-workers on task effectively–without being judged as a tyrant everyone will eventually come to resent and then write things about on the walls of the corporate washroom for everyone to see and snicker at repeatedly. (Eventually resulting in a handful of unsavory nicknames.)

To be clear, I’m not proposing we stop yelling at our co-workers to get them back on the stick. I’m proposing that we still yell at them, we just apologize to them after we yell at them by telling them that we’re having vague “problems at home” as an excuse for “all the yelling”.

Not only will you get the results–and God-like rush–that comes from berating a co-worker, but you’ll be able to gain empathy for why you’re “doing all the yelling”. Leaving you free to continue keeping the workplace in a state of fear.

Instead of being seen as a tyrant who doesn’t care about his employees you’ll be seen as a guy who needs compassion and understanding, even as he informs you that your job can easily be done by a refurbished sex robot at half your salary.

In the end, your workers are getting back on task, you get to keep yelling, and–because they feel sorry for you–you get to do it again and again.

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I was conversing with a co-worker yesterday about the challenge of office disciplinary actions. He wanted to get my take on it, and was specifically interested in how on earth I got away with actually paddling employees when they slipped up since it “seemed illegal”. We ended up having a robust conversation on the topic, that I believe could benefit the larger business community. Below is a topline.

I had been looking for a more effective way of disciplining my employees when I tapped into my childhood for some ideas. I can remember making only a few mistakes when I was young, but when I did have the chance slip up, my grandfather went to his woodshed, entered a secret door in the floor, grabbed a poorly-welded homemade flogging bar, and beat me for around 45 minutes, usually to within an inch of my life.

While the physical and emotion scars have receded, the effectiveness of his strategy was burned into my brain.

Enter: The Business Paddle™. Loosely modeled on my grandfather’s flogging bar, it has become an incredibly motivating tool I use almost daily–whether I actually flog someone, or take it out of my desk drawer and hang it on my wall so they know it’s in play.

Look, employees know they’ve done wrong, and if you want them to not do it again, it’s essential that they know there are real and dire consequences for those mistakes. I have found that if an employee knows they might get paddled by a grown man if it happens again, they rarely make that mistake twice.

And one more thing I’ve found to be valuable is to make sure and let them know that “This will hurt me more than you” by printing this exact saying on the paddle. The Business Paddle™ is a powerful reminder to your employees that business needs to be mistake free, and if it’s not, a whooping is right around the corner.

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In my continuing quest to overthrow the current business I work for, I waited patiently to make my next move. In this case, I took heed to the advice of a name change. After reading through the “Power of Names” revelation, I was moved and felt the need to take action.

I was lucky enough to have parents that recognized the power of names, thus before I was born, they changed our last name from Winklebottom to Star. Up until three days ago, Mr. Star had been sufficient in asserting my dominance, when a colleague or “upper” referred to me. But, it didn’t possess that certain gravitas that one Mr. Business possessed. After much strain and toil in search of the best name possible, I found my answer in changing my name from Dallas Star to Mr. Certain Doom.

The next day, I had new business cards made up, which I made sure everyone received. Furthermore, I took the liberty of changing my job title from ‘Chief Estimator’ to ‘Exactimator’. The cards are black with gold print, and cast in iron (weighing in at around five pounds a card).

Moving forward, after my “boss” found my business card which I had strategically placed under his pillow, he called me into his office the next morning to express concern. As I entered Gary’s (incredibly weak name) office, he seemed worried. I knew that it was a direct affectation of having to call me by a name which would show how inferior he is.

Gary: “Dallas, it seems that you have broken into my house and made a somewhat threatening gesture, which we now need to resolve.”

Mr. Certain Doom: “If you continue to call me by a name I am not, this meeting is adjourned.”

Gary: “I am guessing that means it was you who broke into my house and you are now calling yourself (fumbles for my card in fear)….. Mr. Certain Doom.”

Mr. Certain Doom: “The meeting can now continue”

Gary: “I am going to file a police report, but I’m not sure that I can technically fire you as no legal action has taken place yet. I’ll be looking into it.”

Mr. Certain Doom: “I’ll be in my office Gary, you know where to find me”

This has proven to be a supremely efficient tactic. Gary acknowledged my power, my gusto and my name. I owe many thanks directly to you Mr. Business. You once again have shown your business acumen and displayed your magnificent insight.

I think it’s safe to chalk up victory #2!

Mr. Certain Doom
Fortworth Industries
Houston, TX

I recently lost my company just over 4 million dollars due to a slight miscalculation on a hastily written product life cycle projection. While we’re all allowed a slip up time and again, I felt I needed a way to deflect the coming criticism. And it had to happen FAST–I had a meeting to explain myself in five minutes!

That’s when I decided to deliver the bad news to the tune of “Here I go Again” by the rock and roll band The Whitesnakes. This song has two great qualities about it that make it a perfect candidate for delivering (and taking the edge off) bad news. The writing is simple, and easy to replace with pertinent words related to your mistake. And two, it’s globally accepted that this song is “fucking awesome”, even after all these years.

Here’s how the lyrics went:

Though I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find the 4 mill I apparently lost
Boss, I hope you give me strength to continue to have a job
Cause I know what it means
to lose 4 million bucks in the street of dreams?

Here I go again on my own
Hoping to get a pass on this money thing!
Like a asshole I was born to make mistakes.
And I’ve made up my mind
I’m going back to my office now…

Once I cued up Janet’s mp3 Jamzboxx™ with the karaoke version of the song, I proceeded to deliver my news. And not surprisingly, it worked like a charm.

When you deliver bad news to this spectacular tune, a boss will be far too busy remembering Tawny Kitaen doing sexy cartwheels on the hoods of Jaguars to register anything you just said–no matter how bad it is.

Once your song is done, if your boss is anything like mine, he will be so worked up, you’ll be the last thing he wants to see at that moment. Once he excuses you, grab your Jamzboxx™ and do a reverse Roger Rabbit out of his office knowing that this most recent mistake has been properly DEFLECTED.

Now all that’s left to do is forget about this one, and concentrate on not losing the company any more large chunks of money.

Even though I prefer working through lunch, there are times that I run low on jerky, or forget to grab my retro construction worker lunchbox off of the roof of my car before pulling away from the condo. Times such as these make it necessary to run out for a lunch and unfortunately, take a break from my work.

But all is not lost friends. Especially if you look at this “break” as an opportunity to let your colleagues know you approach lunchtime the same way you would a global parcel assessment plan: LIKE AN ANIMAL.

It might be hard to imagine something as simple as a lunch could communicate anything about a personality, unless say, you were eating an Asian salad. But I’ve found that it can, especially when you make sure and come back from lunch with your entire face covered in meat juice.

You don’t need a fork, a knife, or any utensil really, because you eat things the way they do it in the wild–with only your mouth. Your teeth alone have all the cutting power it takes to knock back any riblet basket that might come your way.

Much like the way you devour every single task you take on, The Meat Juice Strategy™ is an unmistakable way to tell the office that your lunch is no different.

While successful implementation of this strategy may hinder your chances of being invited to lunch on a regular basis, the net benefit to your career will far outweigh some crappy lunch with Saul the train collector and his buddies.

What’s in a name? Turns out, not much to speak of. And that’s exactly why I’ve always hated them.

It’s not that I don’t like my actual name, it’s that I dislike what my name lacks. It never left anyone with any piece of information other than “an idea of what to call me when they saw me”.

That’s when I began searching for a way of making my name communicate something with power to those lucky enough to come across it.

I wanted my name to be something that each time I was addressed by my colleagues, caused them to fear me as a leader as well as question their own place in the office. And I found an easy way to do just this, at my local City Hall.

That’s right, you can use the law to get that name working harder with an unexpected, powerful, AND LEGAL name change.

By changing my name legally to “Mr. Winning At Business” I’ve achieved something that no one in business (before today) can claim. I’ve forced my colleagues to refer to me (and introduce me in big important meetings) as “Mr. Business.” And don’t forget, they (technically) are bound by law to do so.

When you’ve got state law on your side you have the unique opportunity to have colleagues arrested for calling you anything other than your new name, especially if you have a brother-in-law who is a tempermental local cop looking for respect.

We all will make mistakes in business. We “accidentally” falsify that quarterly earnings report. We use the word ‘consortium’ incorrectly, and sometimes, we even bring an unregistered coyote named Hank to work for Pet Day. Mistakes happen. But take a moment to imagine how nice it will be when–even though your mistake is egregious–your detractors will still have to call you “Mr. Business” at the end of the verbal lashing.

Trust me, it feels FANTASTIC.

Like it or not, the cold hard truth about calling in sick is this: You are admitting to everyone that you will not be working that day, which is something you just don’t do, unless you’re pro-weakness.

So in the rare case that you are under the weather so fully that you can’t perform your job, only one excuse will suffice …

Tell them that you are have something called “uncontrollable bloody diarrhea.”

If you tell them you have the flu, they will think you are weak, a cough, even worse. But when you have this affliction (often referred to as “The Big D”), advantages abound.

“The Big D” is something that none of us want to picture, so once you put it out there, your boss will strike this visual from his brain immediately. The human brain can’t store these types of “word pictures”. Much like stumbling upon a baboon with a forked penis at the zoo, or accidentally ending up watching the show “All About Jim”, our brains can’t help but cast these sorts of images immediately from our brains.

So, what advantage does this give us?

Well, at the same time he’s striking this visual from his brain, along with it, he strikes the memory that you didn’t work that day as well. You’ve made today far too painful for him to think another second about it. And that’s a very good thing.

Not to mention, you get the secondary advantage of co-worker empathy. If there’s a human being in the business world that doesn’t feel for a colleague with this type of hardship, then they don’t have a working anus.

In the end, you’re not going to work either way you play it.

So you can stay at home sick, and keep your skillfully crafted reputation–as well as your place at the top–intact. Or, you can stay at home stick, and solidify your reputation as a fallible, sickly pantywaist.

Your call.

I believe that we should all strive to win in all facets of business, and the intra-office basketball tournament is an easily overlooked facet. Today, that changes.

I’ve crafted a surefire way to crush any three-man team an office can pull together. And what makes this strategy even more powerful is that it works whether you can play the sport of basketball or have no idea what a basketball is or what to do with it once you find one.

I know, this seems impossible. But it’s not. All you’ll need to implement this strategy, and succeed is a pair of incredibly small running shorts and pair of balls, literally AND figuratively. (sorry ladies!)

Now, I am not the best basketball player in the office. But when I suit up for the basketball sport competition with my tiny pair of shorts no one in the office can cover me. Granted, this is mostly because I am not wearing underwear, and they’d rather not take the chance that my bare genitals could touch them, especially on their butts.

But guess what? Since no one will cover the “guy with the visible scrotum”, that leaves said guy with a clear lane to the basketball hoop, every time he gets the ball.

The only thing left to do now is to get the ball in the basketball hoop uncontested. A feat that even a terrier can master.

Use my simple strategy, and you will not only have a great new plaque for your cube, you’ll have a renewed sense of respect from everyone in the office.

They’ll all know you have the “balls of a winner”, because well, they’ve seen them on the intranet.