Be a Winner at Business™ with

In my continuing quest to overthrow the current business I work for, I waited patiently to make my next move. In this case, I took heed to the advice of a name change. After reading through the “Power of Names” revelation, I was moved and felt the need to take action.

I was lucky enough to have parents that recognized the power of names, thus before I was born, they changed our last name from Winklebottom to Star. Up until three days ago, Mr. Star had been sufficient in asserting my dominance, when a colleague or “upper” referred to me. But, it didn’t possess that certain gravitas that one Mr. Business possessed. After much strain and toil in search of the best name possible, I found my answer in changing my name from Dallas Star to Mr. Certain Doom.

The next day, I had new business cards made up, which I made sure everyone received. Furthermore, I took the liberty of changing my job title from ‘Chief Estimator’ to ‘Exactimator’. The cards are black with gold print, and cast in iron (weighing in at around five pounds a card).

Moving forward, after my “boss” found my business card which I had strategically placed under his pillow, he called me into his office the next morning to express concern. As I entered Gary’s (incredibly weak name) office, he seemed worried. I knew that it was a direct affectation of having to call me by a name which would show how inferior he is.

Gary: “Dallas, it seems that you have broken into my house and made a somewhat threatening gesture, which we now need to resolve.”

Mr. Certain Doom: “If you continue to call me by a name I am not, this meeting is adjourned.”

Gary: “I am guessing that means it was you who broke into my house and you are now calling yourself (fumbles for my card in fear)….. Mr. Certain Doom.”

Mr. Certain Doom: “The meeting can now continue”

Gary: “I am going to file a police report, but I’m not sure that I can technically fire you as no legal action has taken place yet. I’ll be looking into it.”

Mr. Certain Doom: “I’ll be in my office Gary, you know where to find me”

This has proven to be a supremely efficient tactic. Gary acknowledged my power, my gusto and my name. I owe many thanks directly to you Mr. Business. You once again have shown your business acumen and displayed your magnificent insight.

I think it’s safe to chalk up victory #2!

Mr. Certain Doom
Fortworth Industries
Houston, TX

I recently lost my company just over 4 million dollars due to a slight miscalculation on a hastily written product life cycle projection. While we’re all allowed a slip up time and again, I felt I needed a way to deflect the coming criticism. And it had to happen FAST–I had a meeting to explain myself in five minutes!

That’s when I decided to deliver the bad news to the tune of “Here I go Again” by the rock and roll band The Whitesnakes. This song has two great qualities about it that make it a perfect candidate for delivering (and taking the edge off) bad news. The writing is simple, and easy to replace with pertinent words related to your mistake. And two, it’s globally accepted that this song is “fucking awesome”, even after all these years.

Here’s how the lyrics went:

Though I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find the 4 mill I apparently lost
Boss, I hope you give me strength to continue to have a job
Cause I know what it means
to lose 4 million bucks in the street of dreams?

Here I go again on my own
Hoping to get a pass on this money thing!
Like a asshole I was born to make mistakes.
And I’ve made up my mind
I’m going back to my office now…

Once I cued up Janet’s mp3 Jamzboxx™ with the karaoke version of the song, I proceeded to deliver my news. And not surprisingly, it worked like a charm.

When you deliver bad news to this spectacular tune, a boss will be far too busy remembering Tawny Kitaen doing sexy cartwheels on the hoods of Jaguars to register anything you just said–no matter how bad it is.

Once your song is done, if your boss is anything like mine, he will be so worked up, you’ll be the last thing he wants to see at that moment. Once he excuses you, grab your Jamzboxx™ and do a reverse Roger Rabbit out of his office knowing that this most recent mistake has been properly DEFLECTED.

Now all that’s left to do is forget about this one, and concentrate on not losing the company any more large chunks of money.

Even though I prefer working through lunch, there are times that I run low on jerky, or forget to grab my retro construction worker lunchbox off of the roof of my car before pulling away from the condo. Times such as these make it necessary to run out for a lunch and unfortunately, take a break from my work.

But all is not lost friends. Especially if you look at this “break” as an opportunity to let your colleagues know you approach lunchtime the same way you would a global parcel assessment plan: LIKE AN ANIMAL.

It might be hard to imagine something as simple as a lunch could communicate anything about a personality, unless say, you were eating an Asian salad. But I’ve found that it can, especially when you make sure and come back from lunch with your entire face covered in meat juice.

You don’t need a fork, a knife, or any utensil really, because you eat things the way they do it in the wild–with only your mouth. Your teeth alone have all the cutting power it takes to knock back any riblet basket that might come your way.

Much like the way you devour every single task you take on, The Meat Juice Strategy™ is an unmistakable way to tell the office that your lunch is no different.

While successful implementation of this strategy may hinder your chances of being invited to lunch on a regular basis, the net benefit to your career will far outweigh some crappy lunch with Saul the train collector and his buddies.

What’s in a name? Turns out, not much to speak of. And that’s exactly why I’ve always hated them.

It’s not that I don’t like my actual name, it’s that I dislike what my name lacks. It never left anyone with any piece of information other than “an idea of what to call me when they saw me”.

That’s when I began searching for a way of making my name communicate something with power to those lucky enough to come across it.

I wanted my name to be something that each time I was addressed by my colleagues, caused them to fear me as a leader as well as question their own place in the office. And I found an easy way to do just this, at my local City Hall.

That’s right, you can use the law to get that name working harder with an unexpected, powerful, AND LEGAL name change.

By changing my name legally to “Mr. Winning At Business” I’ve achieved something that no one in business (before today) can claim. I’ve forced my colleagues to refer to me (and introduce me in big important meetings) as “Mr. Business.” And don’t forget, they (technically) are bound by law to do so.

When you’ve got state law on your side you have the unique opportunity to have colleagues arrested for calling you anything other than your new name, especially if you have a brother-in-law who is a tempermental local cop looking for respect.

We all will make mistakes in business. We “accidentally” falsify that quarterly earnings report. We use the word ‘consortium’ incorrectly, and sometimes, we even bring an unregistered coyote named Hank to work for Pet Day. Mistakes happen. But take a moment to imagine how nice it will be when–even though your mistake is egregious–your detractors will still have to call you “Mr. Business” at the end of the verbal lashing.

Trust me, it feels FANTASTIC.

Like it or not, the cold hard truth about calling in sick is this: You are admitting to everyone that you will not be working that day, which is something you just don’t do, unless you’re pro-weakness.

So in the rare case that you are under the weather so fully that you can’t perform your job, only one excuse will suffice …

Tell them that you are have something called “uncontrollable bloody diarrhea.”

If you tell them you have the flu, they will think you are weak, a cough, even worse. But when you have this affliction (often referred to as “The Big D”), advantages abound.

“The Big D” is something that none of us want to picture, so once you put it out there, your boss will strike this visual from his brain immediately. The human brain can’t store these types of “word pictures”. Much like stumbling upon a baboon with a forked penis at the zoo, or accidentally ending up watching the show “All About Jim”, our brains can’t help but cast these sorts of images immediately from our brains.

So, what advantage does this give us?

Well, at the same time he’s striking this visual from his brain, along with it, he strikes the memory that you didn’t work that day as well. You’ve made today far too painful for him to think another second about it. And that’s a very good thing.

Not to mention, you get the secondary advantage of co-worker empathy. If there’s a human being in the business world that doesn’t feel for a colleague with this type of hardship, then they don’t have a working anus.

In the end, you’re not going to work either way you play it.

So you can stay at home sick, and keep your skillfully crafted reputation–as well as your place at the top–intact. Or, you can stay at home stick, and solidify your reputation as a fallible, sickly pantywaist.

Your call.

I believe that we should all strive to win in all facets of business, and the intra-office basketball tournament is an easily overlooked facet. Today, that changes.

I’ve crafted a surefire way to crush any three-man team an office can pull together. And what makes this strategy even more powerful is that it works whether you can play the sport of basketball or have no idea what a basketball is or what to do with it once you find one.

I know, this seems impossible. But it’s not. All you’ll need to implement this strategy, and succeed is a pair of incredibly small running shorts and pair of balls, literally AND figuratively. (sorry ladies!)

Now, I am not the best basketball player in the office. But when I suit up for the basketball sport competition with my tiny pair of shorts no one in the office can cover me. Granted, this is mostly because I am not wearing underwear, and they’d rather not take the chance that my bare genitals could touch them, especially on their butts.

But guess what? Since no one will cover the “guy with the visible scrotum”, that leaves said guy with a clear lane to the basketball hoop, every time he gets the ball.

The only thing left to do now is to get the ball in the basketball hoop uncontested. A feat that even a terrier can master.

Use my simple strategy, and you will not only have a great new plaque for your cube, you’ll have a renewed sense of respect from everyone in the office.

They’ll all know you have the “balls of a winner”, because well, they’ve seen them on the intranet.

Today’s strategy is the only strategy I’ve suggested that asks that you do something by actually NOT doing something. And that not doing something is “being a vegan”

In business, you always want to be a vision of power, vigor, and strength for everyone you come into contact with. As soon as someone hears you’re a vegan, that vision is compromised.

Simply put, carnivores tend to be passionate, powerful, get it done kind of individuals. Vegans on the other hand, tend to be elitist, talk endlessly about things that no one cares about, and tend to have thin, wispy body types.

Now, I want to assure my vegan readers out there that I am not making a value judgment on the vegan lifestyle, at least not outwardly. My point here is simple: Vegans are different, and because of that, they are incredibly easy targets. And this is exactly why you can’t afford to be one in business today.

I’ve always subscribed to the belief that the less shots that get taken at you the less chance they have of wounding you, and the better your chances are of ascending the ranks of the business world and becoming a business god of sorts.

Look, sometimes the key to winning is not having a visible weak spot, and when you’re a vegan–love it or hate it–you’ve got a pretty damn big one.

I have recently had the opportunity to offer some guest business commentary for Please Feed the Animals. I hope you have a chance to give it a look, it is incredible.

Recently, Winning at Business had the honor of asking a couple of questions of Seth Godin. Mr. Godin is a celebrated author, blogger, speaker, and an entrepreneur for the digital age. Below is a excerpt of our incredibly powerful interview.

First off, I want to thank Panera bread for allowing us to conduct our interview in your beautiful store, and also want to let my audience know how delicious this turkey sandwich is. It also seems like Seth is enjoying his Asian Portabello pannini wrap as well, though I can’t speak for him.

W@B: So, I’m interested in how you happened to stumble upon Winning at Business?

Godin: I did?

W@B: So, In your book “Tribes” you mention that leaders Challenge the status quo (check), create a culture, (check), and commit to the cause (double check). Why am I not the CEO of my own multi-national company right now?

Godin: Perhaps because you’re as boring as dirt? Unable to connect with individuals? Obsessed with the trite, the banal and the stupid? More likely it’s because there really isn’t a connection between building a grass roots tribe that thrives and heading up a company that uses its market position to exploit consumers.

W@B: So, you’re saying it might take me a couple of years? I can deal with that. I want to move on to your thoughts on “heretics”. Someone called me a “heretic” once, and I got into a four-hour karate fight over it. In your book, you feel like a heretic is a good thing. How is that possible, and should I apologize to my old boss Ron Adamson?

Godin: Well, any fight that lasts that long belongs in a Quentin Tarantino movie, not in the office. My argument is that a heretic is someone who cares about their faith enough to challenge their religion. The religion in your office might be the status quo, the way we do things around here, the sacred cows. The faith might be faith in your technology, your customers and your people. I’d like to vote on the latter.

W@B: I owe Ron a call for sure. That’s fair. Let’s talk a little bit about the power of stories. In my work, I’ve found that stories need to be embellished substantially to create the sense of fear I’d like them to instill in my listeners. Are you still holding onto the archaic idea that stories need to have actually happened to be effective?

Godin: Not at all. They merely need to be authentic, to hold up to scrutiny and to do what they say they’re going to do. Traditional organized religions are based on untrue stories, but that’s okay because intelligent followers don’t hold them up to be actual sportscasts of live events. They’re parables.

W@B: So, you say that we’re in the Tribes part of the marketing life cycle right now. I’m interested in what might be next?

Godin: This is next. For a long long time. After that, public flogging is next.

W@B: Everything now is about organization, and finding your true believers. You also speak on how we don’t invent things any more, but we organize groups around the interests, once we find them.

Godin: Actually, we invent stuff all the time.

W@B: Even still, why do you think that my blog has not exploded in popularity since it was created?

Godin: Is this the free advice part of the interview?

W@B: I have published many strategies, which one(s) have you used, and how great was it?

Godin: The short answer trick to online interviews. It was great.

W@B: You and I were just talking some weeks ago about my strategy of printing up a competitors logo on a 1000 pack of logo combs and put them around the office to get that raise you wanted. I remember you being ebullient over this one in particular. What struck you about this that made you gush so much?

Godin: Anything involving hair care gets me very motivated.

W@B: I saw your TED speech. Fantastic speech, by the way. How does one get to go on TED and make one of those speeches?

Godin: For me, I took a plane. I think if you live near LA you could drive.

I get this question all the time: How can I encourage my employees, without seeming like an overly thankful weakling while I’m doing it?

The answer? By spanking that person on their backside incredibly hard.

Look, this is a revolutionary approach. Not everyone will feel comfortable giving this type of encouragement, I’ll admit. But an important consideration with this tactic is that NEITHER of you will be comfortable. But in the end, if your employee is forced to think: “WOW, HE JUST SPANKED ME. MY BOSS HAS AN INTENSITY THAT CAN NOT BE DENIED. MY BOTTOM REALLY STINGS. – I believe you’ve won.

But, in order to achieve this end result, you’ve got to do it right.

A simple “hard spank” will communicate the intensity with which you encourage, but not the passion with which you tackle any and all business tasks at hand. That’s why it’s important to follow my three step Encouragement Strategy™.

Step 1) Put on your spanking glove. This could be a golf glove, a gardening glove, or a black leather driving glove, that you hang in your office on a mounted hook labeled “Encouragement Glove: DO NOT TOUCH”

Step 2) Get a running start. Find a nice straight hallway with about twenty feet of running room so you can get some speed with which to channel into the backside of your employee.

Step 3) SWING. As you near your employee, swing your arm as if you were throwing a side arm baseball pitch, and deliver the blow. This will concentrate the full power of your swing, and really help your employee feel the encouragement fully.