What I Learned About Winning From a USA Today

Traveling is the hallmark of every successful career in business. You quite simply must be traveling if you every want to be the best business man ever.

This can present a problem for some–especially the ones who don’t believe in computers, have a fear of flying, or the unlucky ones who have unfairly found themselves on a bullshit “no-fly list” (LOOOONG story).

BUT DO NOT WORRY BLOG READERS, I’ve found an amazingly simple way to get all the credit you desire as a successful and important “business traveler”, without actually having to go into the backroom and have government officials point and laugh at your penis each time you fly.

Here it is: It’s not as important to actually travel on business, as it is to BE SEEN as a business traveler.

I’d like to introduce you to my USA Today Strategy for Winners™. It’s quite possibly my simplest and most effective strategy yet for minimizing office rivals and skyrocketing you to the top of business.

My strategy is based on the fact that when humans carry a USA Today newspaper, everyone who sees them assumes they just got back from a business trip. You see, the only place to get one of these USA Today papers is on the floor outside of a hotel room. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS.

When you make it clear you just traveled for business, in the minds of your rivals you have just done something incredibly important that they didn’t do!

And when your colleagues see you holding this super thin newspaper, they’ll be pretty sure you just traveled on business, filling their brains instantly with unanswerable questions like:

“What sort of important thing was he just doing?”

“Why did he get to go to StratCon? Do people not hate him anymore?”

or, “How did he even get on the plane? I thought it was illegal for him to travel?”

FACT: Businessmen constantly compare themselves to their colleagues. It’s what we do.

When you have a crisp new USA Today under your arm, you make sure your rivals are comparing themselves TO YOU as they wonder why they weren’t invited to that imaginary super important meeting that only happened in their head.

Meanwhile, you’ll just be holding a paper and the upper hand.

Comments on: "What I Learned About Winning From a USA Today" (2)

  1. Bo Download said:

    Not only is this an excellent strategerry, but if anyone questions you, you have something with USA written on it in bold letters.

    • GREAT POINT MR. DOWNLOAD! It can never hurt to remind rivals you are a fan of America!

      Wearing shorts made of an American flag on casual fridays also do this.

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