Got a great question from “Conflicted”, Tyler TX.

I am in constant conflict with a co-worker. We are on the same level “in title”, but I’m much better looking. While she has a great personality, the only glaring defect I can see as a flaw would be a mole on her face that is shaped like the state of Rhode Island. It’s kinda gross if you look at it very closely. But you have to get VERY close to get grossed out. Is it wrong to make fun of her with my boss and make up fun nicknames like The Mole? or even Jackie the Mole Face Asshole?

Winning: Wow, great question! I think that seems fair. The trick will be positioning yourself as more than just a name caller. Perhaps a better way to approach would be to print up a flyer for a Nazi Book Club that “happens” to have her name on it as the organizer. That way your hands are “clean”. Plus, I’m not sure people call women ‘assholes’ generally. Keep up the good work!

And another fantastic one from “Dan”, Phoenix, AZ.

There’s a lady I work with, who really loves her cat. Which is cool by me, to each his own I always say. But she smells like a cat too! It’s really getting in the way of my work and distracting me and my anger towards her is causing hives now. Would it be rude to spray her in the face repeatedly with Febreze? Or is that the sort of thing I should leave a note on her desk about?

Winning: Fantastic question Dan! While Febreze is an incredibly effective product, I wouldn’t suggest attacking her with it. I do think it’s fair to buy her a bottle, and attach a note to it. But I’d suggest you tell her something a little less abrasive, like, “the whole office thinks you smell like cat” on the note. You don’t want to take the heat or create bad blood with a cat lady. In my experience they are a very volatile bunch. Very nice and sweet on the outside, but on the inside they are a cauldron of hate, that blames the opposite sex for a good portion of their failures. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. Good luck!

If you really want to get across the idea that you’re doing something very vigorously and excitedly, a simple way to let the entire office know is by using my Getting Your Business On™ strategy.

Are you writing a proposal, or are you “Getting your proposal on“?

I’d much rather my co workers know that I was “Getting my staple on” rather than just “Collating some stuff”.

Sure, it’s fine if you are “creating a document to track spending trends in Excel”. But consider how powerful that same statement becomes when you tell them you’re “Getting your trend trackin’ on“?

Is Saul in accounting “Doing my expense reports”? Or is he “Getting his accounting on“? I, for one, hope he’s taking the latter route.

Do you think my boss is going to give the next high-profile project to someone who just “Does his job”?–Not a chance. NO, He’s going to give it to the guy who is known to “Gets his job on“!

What matters more and more in today’s innovation-driven business climate is “How” you do things, and less and less about what you’re actually “Doing”.

That leaves us with two choices when it comes to our respective paths in the business world. Do you want to be the guy who gets everything he’s asked to do “on” and take your rightful place at the top? Or would you like to be the guy who does his job, never gets a raise, stays in a loveless marriage and spends all of his spare time yelling at the neighbors kids when they get anywhere near his yard?

I know which way I’m going. Do you?

Business jargon is an incredibly powerful form of communication in the business. These words are an effective way to speak with like-minded businessmen and they have the added power of showing those people that you know what the hell you’re talking about.

Alone these words have their own power. But imagine for a moment what would happen if they came together in a glorious union?

I’ll tell you what happens. Fireworks. And not the legal kind. I’m talking about the dangerously explosive ones that everyone wants, but no one’s parents let them have unless they live in or near South Carolina.

What’s most amazing about this word combination is how the power of both of the words are multiplied when placed together, resulting in something I call (and have trademarked) Mega Wordz™. This is just as easy to use as a regular business word, just two to three times as powerful.

Delivering a “Presentation” has the potential to change hearts and minds. While giving a “Proposal” can bring in millions of dollars in billings. Consider the power then, when you deliver a Presen-Posal™ to a prospective client!

A “Spreadsheet” is a great way to compile date on just about any facet of business. While a “Memorandum” is a great way to announce details of the company picnic effectively. But what would happen if you sent out a SpreadoRandum™? I’ll tell you. The whole company not only knows what to bring, but they know what everyone has brought to the picnic for thirty years!

I first discovered this phenomenon in 1992 when I combined the words “Roladex” and “Day Planner” into the Mega Word™ “PlanaDex” offhandedly at the Lake Havasu “MindStorm”. Needless to say, that wasn’t the last time I used the technique.

Another important point I would like to cover is the power of trademarking these new explosive word combinations we create. When you trademark these new words, you now have the added advantage of being able to sue the pants off your coworkers (even your boss!) for trademark infringement.

If that doesn’t put you in the position of power you’re looking for in your current job, then it might be time to look for another job strategy. Or should I say Jobrategy™?

See what I did there?

Every room has it–The smartest person in it. That person who interjects key insights into conversations, the one who knows what we need to do moving forward, or that guy who can explain what numbers are.

If you’re like me then you want to be that person–in every room you enter, whether it be a keynote speech at a regional conference, or the bathroom of Clux Chicken and Pancakes.

One thing we know is that there has to be the smartest person in a room. And while it pains me to admit this in a public forum, no matter what you do, you can’t be that person all the time.

But all is not lost.

You just need to have a highly effective strategy in your Workplace Toolbag™ for knocking that asshole down a peg, and evening the score a bit. I’d like to share that strategy with you today.

1) Thanks.
2) Smart.
3) Guy.

I call it: Three Magic Words To Knock Smart People Down a Peg™.

In order to be the smartest guy in the room they have to say something to get the title. And when they do, these three words take all the power from that person in an instant. Once you deliver them (in order), the whole room will immediately be against the elitist, hyper-intellectual showoff who just uttered these wise words. This creates a bond in the room focused solely on hating this gentleman’s brain–as opposed to taking in their clearly articulated, well thought out point.

It doesn’t completely diffuse his wisdom, but it does ground him a bit. More importantly, it doesn’t allow him to get ahead as much as he should be able to. Even if he’s the smartest person in the world, with this little strategy he won’t be THAT smart–and that’ll be all because of you.

Who’s the smart guy now?

(Hint: It’s You)

Aside from the invention of computers–the rules for success in business haven’t changed in 200 years. Business is still about fostering relationships with customers, solving those customers’ problems about 65 percent of the time, and of course, contiuously striving to make yourself look much better than your coworkers so you can rise to the top of the business world.

Well, I’m here to tell you: THINGS HAVE CHANGED.

There’s something called “The Cloud”. Everyone is talking about it. More importantly, everyone wants it.

Here’s the the good news: No one knows what the hell it is, and everyone is afraid to admit it.

The simple fact you better understand is this: Your customers are in power these days. Also, they’ve been convinced that this magical cloud is going to solve all their problems. Whether it is or isn’t is of no concern to you. But the fact your customers believe it will–is. And that’s why you better be talking about it–all the time.

I don’t care if you’re a typewriter repair shop or a freelance donkey insimenator. You better be offering your customers a cloud-based solution for what you do–about a half hour ago, or you are risking extinction.

I know how shocking this sounds to many of you. And I’m sure this brings up a couple of questions:

-What if I’m just running a pizza place?
-How can I offer cloud-based pizza?
-Is the cloud a metaphor? Or is it a real Cloud?

Look, if I am a customer and I don’t hear you talking about cloud-based pizza solutions, i’m going to walk right out and purchase my pizza services at a place that does. Why? Because that pizza place “doesn’t get it”. People need their businesses to understand their needs. And that means they need a Pizza Cloud immediately.

Now, when it comes to actually coming through with your promise, this can get a little tricky. But that’s when you need to remind yourself of the inability of customers to actually know what the cloud is, to make them think you just delivered it to them–IN SPADES. Simply put, they just need to hear the words “the cloud”, and be able tell their friends they ate a pizza cloud. It can still taste, look, and smell exactly like pizza.

Today’s lesson is simple: Give your customers what they want, or have fun perishing.

Forget the cloud = Forget winning.

Fact: When you smell like you’re drunk, people expect to see a trainwreck.

Another fact: The last thing anyone expects from a drunk is to absolutely crush a presentation or interject a winning business insight into your morning meeting.

Today, I’d like to make an argument FOR workplace inebriation. The only thing is: You’re really not drunk, you just smell like it.

When expectations are low (and when you’re drunk, they’re a special kind of low), you can’t help but blow your colleagues out of the water with even the smallest contribution to a meeting.

From now on, in your colleagues minds, this is what they’ll be thinking: “If he can perform at peak levels when he’s drunk, imagine the intellectual damage he can do the next time when he doesn’t smell like white zinfandel.”

In my book, that smells like a win.

This is not a blog post to rally my fans to send me money to continue because administration costs are killing us. Don’t worry about that, this site will go on forever because I am so committed to sharing my success with the internet. Not to mention, I AM LOADED.

No, I wanted to take a moment to address the current state of the word “Winning” and it’s troubling decline in the wake of this Charlie Sheen man.

While I was initially excited upon hearing about how he was able to extract blood from a tiger (legally) and use it as a source of magical power, my excitement waned upon further inspection. With the current circus around this man, “winning” is in serious need of an image reboot.

I feel like I’ve had a big part of adding power to the word’s meaning over the years by establishing a Winning at Business Institute, writing a series of children’s business encyclopedias based on some dubious businesses I launched as a child, and in the general way that I have propelled myself to the top of business.

But, although I have trouble admitting this at times, I am but one man. And I can only do the work of approximately five people (six if they’re all under 5’1″).

That’s where you all must come in.

With a little time and effort, I believe the word (our word!) can get back to meaning what it actually means–instead of the exact opposite. I implore you to do your part to wrestle this word back. Unlike in the workplace, every contribution counts here.

What will you do? Please, make your pledge below in the comments section, and let’s come together and take our word back from this ridiculous and irresponsible “actor”.

Colleagues are constantly asking me how I became so good at public speaking and presentation. And what do I tell them time and time again?

STICK THE LANDING.

Never underestimate the power of an ending. That’s why I suggest you end every one of your speeches with a Double Thumbs up. This gesture does a couple powerful things. One, it signals to the audience that the speech is over and they should start the clapping. Two, it frames the information you just presented in your audiences eyes as twice as good as information ended with a single thumbs up.

The hope here is that the audience will be compelled to join you in a wave of “double thumbs” that permeates a room like a knowledge virus. In some rare cases–like my speech at HomBasedBizStratCon ’90–it can catch fire and permeate an entire building. This rarely happens, but when it does, it topples empires. I can’t guarantee this result for you, but it should always be a secret goal you keep in the back of your mind as a possibility.

I’ve given good and bad speeches like anyone, but when I end every one of them with Double Thumbs, everyone assumes it was a damn good one. As they should.

Employee reward programs have become a necessary part of doing business these days. They’re not only an important part of keeping good talent working on your business, but a great way to foster a healthy, happy and PRODUCTIVE workplace.

I’ve done a substantial amount of research on the topic, and have discovered a couple of keys to the overall success of any rewards program. I thought fellow and aspiring Winners at Business™ might enjoy the many fruits of my labor, as well as my invaluable insight.

A retention plan should achieve two primary goals:

1) A reward program should motivate. This one is pretty easy. We all want our employees to do their best work under your tutilage. A successful rewards program should accomplish this in spades.

2) It should be shockingly cheap to implement. No one’s boss wants to hear that they’re going to have to spend any money, ever, on anything. So an important step in getting such a program sold through as it moves up the chain of command, is keeping costs so low that it seems like you will have to do something illegal to get what you need.

Seems impossible right? Well, if it’s impossible, tell me how I just implemented an incredibly successful rewards program that has not only increased employee productivity by 63%, but only costs me 35 cents a week!

I did it with a program I call The Sticker Initiative™

Whenever an employee hands in expense ratio reports on time. They get a sticker.

Whenever Jane reports back to me with better than average quarterly numbers. TWO STICKERS.

Even when the cleaning workers finish vacuuming my office (after I inspect their work) at 11 oclock at night, i’m right there with a sticker.

Stickers can do it all. Not only are stickers, cheap, but they are so universally loved that it doesn’t even matter what is on the sticker. I gave the elderly janitorial services lady a Toronto Argonauts sticker and she was beside herself. I gave Sally my temp secretary an address label with a handrawn unicorn on it. I gave Bradley a dusty sticker from MegaMix 94.1FM, and he was happier than I’ve seen him in 13 years.

You simply will not find a better, cheaper rewards program than my Sticker Initiative™. But rest assured, if somehow you find a way to do it better, you’ll be getting a shiny new sticker of Phylicia Rashād when you do.

Animals are cute. This is scientific fact. And it’s the major reason that the phenomenon of “Bring your pets to work Day” has become so popular in the past decade. But sadly, it’s turned into a cute-fest that does little for anyone’s reputation at work, especially if the only animal you own is a hedgehog named Sally Pumpkinpants.

That’s why the next time the pet day comes around, you need to bring your “pet coyote Hank”. It’s an ideal moment to let the office know that you are not only a beastmaster at work, but the intensity doesn’t stop once you get home.

Not only can you tame any business issue, but you can even tame an animal that is illegal for people in 49 states to keep as a pet. (Note: strategy less effective in Alaska.)

I’m sure some questions might be coming to mind: Where can I get a coyote? And more so, where can I get some affordable obedience training for coyote’s?

Here’s the trick. Don’t worry about all that stuff. Just concentrate on mastering the walk from your car, to the office, because there is no way that Chad, the office services guy, will let you in the building because of “liabilities”.

He won’t want to take the chance that a particularly slow-walking employee could get mauled on pet day–of all days–and risk a lawsuit. In turn, they won’t let you step one foot in that office. Fortunately for you and your reputation, the impression will have been made. Soon the news that you not only have a pet coyote, but you’ve named him Hank and you have such a good relationship with him that you thought it safe to bring him to work.

The fact that it never crossed your mind that coyotes are wild animals and have been known to maul humans will tell the entire office that you operate on a level of power and delusion that only dangerous animal trainers achieve after a lifetime of training.

Now all you have to do is to find some way to return the coyote to it’s owner without being eaten.

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